Managing the Holidays: Self-care and Coping Strategies
The holiday season is typically portrayed as a time of joy, connection, and celebration. For many, however, the reality is much more complicated. The holidays can bring up difficult family dynamics and memories, financial worry, reminders of the loss of loved ones, pressure to be happy and "festive" even when you're not, or just simply the exhaustion of the season. If you find yourself dreading the holidays instead of looking forward to them, you're not alone.
The difference between what the holidays are supposed to be and what they actually feel like can be striking. Social media tells us that everyone else is having picture-perfect gatherings filled with loved ones, while you're struggling just to get through a tense family dinner or feeling isolated and alone. There is a pressure to buy the perfect gift, attend every event, cook beautiful and elaborate meals, or maintain traditions that no longer resonate with you. And all of this is happening during the darkest, coldest months of the year when many of us are already struggling with seasonal depression.
The Holidays Can Be Hard
Some of the most common reasons we can find the holidays difficult are:
Family Dynamics: Family gatherings can bring up old patterns, unresolved conflicts, strenuous dynamics, or traumatic memories. You might feel pressured to play a certain role, placate difficult personalities, suppress parts of yourself to keep the peace, or pretend to be okay when you really aren't.
Grief and Loss: The holidays can intensify grief—whether you're mourning someone who passed, the end of a relationship, being estranged from family, or even the loss of how things once were. Empty places at the table feel even emptier during the holidays.
Financial Worries: The pressure to buy gifts, travel, host gatherings, or participate in potentially expensive traditions can create significant anxiety, especially when money is tight.
Social Pressure and Comparison: Everywhere we look, there is messaging about what the holidays should look like. It's easy to feel like you're not enough if your experience doesn't match the idealized version we're shown on TV and social media.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Shorter days, colder weather, and less sunlight can negatively impact mood, energy, and motivation, making it even harder to cope with an already difficult time of year.
Trauma Reminders: For those of us with trauma histories, the holidays can bring up painful memories or put us in situations that are unsafe or triggering.
Pressure to Be Happy: Sometimes, the hardest part of the holidays is feeling like you're not allowed to struggle during a time when everyone else seems festive and joyful.
Setting Boundaries During the Holidays
One of the most important things to do while navigating the holidays is to set boundaries. Boundaries aren't about being mean or selfish. They're about protecting your wellbeing so you can show up authentically and in your full capacity to the things that matter most to you. You don't have to attend every gathering, accept every invitation, or participate in every tradition. It's okay to decline and take care of yourself instead.
If you do attend an event, you don't have to stay the entire time! Leave when you're ready, not when everyone else does. You can redirect and/or disengage from conversations about politics, relationship status, career, your body, or any other topic that you are uncomfortable with—the details of your personal life are yours. If you're not comfortable sharing certain things, vague responses like "things are fine, thanks for asking" are perfectly okay.
If old traditions are no longer meaningful to you, let them go and create new ones that feel more aligned with the current you. And especially in our current world, you can decide what you can afford and stick to it. Consider gift exchanges with spending limits, making homemade gifts, or skipping gifts altogether and prioritizing quality time.
It's important to remember that while setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first—especially if you're used to people-pleasing or putting others' needs first—protecting your peace is not selfish.
Coping Strategies for Getting Through the Holidays
If you know certain situations will be challenging, plan your coping strategies ahead of time. Identify safe people you can call or text, plan an exit strategy, or bring a comfort item with you. Let trusted friends or family members know you're struggling. Having someone to check in on you or to validate that the holidays are hard can make a huge difference. As much as possible, stick to the routines that help you feel regulated—sleep schedule, movement, meals, medication, and therapy appointments.
If scrolling through your feed and seeing everyone else's holiday highlight reel is making you feel worse, take a break and put your phone down. You don't need to see everyone else's curated joy when you're struggling. When you're feeling overwhelmed, use grounding techniques to come back to the present moment. Notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Before going to gatherings, know how you'll leave if you need to. Drive yourself, have a friend on standby to pick you up, or plan a believable excuse in advance. Block off time in your calendar specifically for rest and recovery. Treat this time as non-negotiable. If traditional holiday celebrations don't feel right, create your own. Volunteer somewhere, spend the day in nature, watch your favorite movies, or just do absolutely nothing if that's what you need.
When we talk about self-care during the holidays, we're not just talking about face masks, bubble baths, and cozy candles (though those are definitely nice too)! Real self-care looks like:
Saying no to things that drain you
Eating regular meals even when everything feels chaotic
Moving your body in ways that feel good to you
Reaching out for support when you need it
Being honest about what you can and cannot handle
Giving yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling
Not forcing yourself to be grateful or festive if you're not
Protecting your sobriety, recovery, or mental health
Spending time alone if that's what recharges you
Asking for help
Treat yourself with the same compassion and consideration you'd offer to someone you love.
If You're Spending the Holidays Alone
Being alone during the holidays can bring up complicated feelings, especially when the world seems so fixated on togetherness. But alone doesn't have to mean lonely, and spending the holidays solo can actually be very peaceful if you approach it intentionally.
If you're on your own during the holidays:
Plan something you genuinely enjoy, not just what you think you "should" do
Connect with others who are also solo through online communities or local events
Volunteer somewhere that needs help during the holidays
Treat yourself to something special! A nice meal, a movie marathon, or a day trip can be your new holiday tradition
Video call with friends or chosen family
Allow yourself to make it a just another regular day if that feels better
Managing Difficult Family Interactions
If you're heading into family gatherings that you know will be challenging, try to keep a list of safe conversations you can redirect to—recent movies or shows you enjoyed, funny pet stories, neutral current events, recipes, travel plans, etc… If someone is trying to provoke you or engage in unhealthy conversation, respond with brief, boring, non-emotional answers. Step outside, take a walk, hide in the bathroom for a few minutes. Physically remove yourself when you need to reset. And if there's someone at the gathering who understands your situation, make a plan to support each other. Create nonverbal signals, change topics for each other, and find reasons to step away together.
If you're finding the holidays particularly overwhelming, it might be time to reach out for additional support. Consider contacting a therapist if:
You're having thoughts of self-harm or suicide
You're using substances to cope more so than usual
You're feeling completely unable to function
Your anxiety or depression is significantly worsening
You're in an unsafe situation with family or others
You just need someone to talk to, who isn't part of your life
The holidays don't have to look like a picture-perfect greeting card. They don't even have to be good. Sometimes, getting through them is enough. No matter how you're feeling about this season, please know that you are not alone. This time of year can be one of the most difficult, and all you have to do is navigate said complicated time of year the best you can. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your well-being. This season will pass. You will make it through.
Some strategies won’t work for everyone. Take what fits for you. If you would like additional support, our team is here.
