October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a time to raise awareness about recognizing domestic violence and to show support to those who have been impacted by it. Domestic violence impacts people of all ages, backgrounds, and identities. 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in the United States experience physical, sexual, or emotional violence in their lifetime. Understanding the signs and patterns of abuse can help prevent domestic violence and help those who are experiencing it access support and take steps towards safety.
When we think about domestic violence, physical abuse may be the first thing that comes to mind for most of us. While physical abuse can be present, domestic violence can look many different ways. It can also include emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, and financial abuse. Abuse can involve controlling behaviors, isolation from loved ones, intimidation, insults, and threats. Abuse is not always easy to recognize, which is why it is important to understand how abuse can occur through the cycle of violence.
UNDERSTANDING THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE
The cycle of violence is known as a pattern of behaviors that can occur in abusive relationships. The cycle of violence includes 4 different phases, which include periods of tension building, the abusive act itself, reconciliation, and the “honeymoon” phase. When abuse is paired with promises of change and moments of love and connection, it can be difficult to recognize or leave the relationship. Each relationship may not follow these phases in the same pattern, and it can look different for everyone. However, understanding the cycle of violence can help identify unhealthy behaviors and patterns.
● Tension Building
During the tension-building stage, conflict and stress can begin to heighten within the relationship. Arguments can become more frequent, and behavior of the abuser can feel unpredictable. The abuser may become increasingly irritable, jealous, or controlling. The person experiencing abuse may feel like they have to walk on eggshells or act a certain way to avoid upsetting their partner. The person experiencing the abuse may attempt to change their behavior or put their own needs aside in order to keep the peace. They may think that if they do everything right, they can prevent arguments or abusive incidents.
● Incident
The incident phase is when tension escalates, and violence occurs. The act of violence may be physical, emotional, verbal, psychological, sexual, financial, or even digital. During this stage, survivors may feel ashamed, confused, or blame themselves for the incident. It is important to remember that abuse during this phase is not limited to only physical violence. Threats, intimidation, humiliation, and more can still have long-lasting psychological effects on the survivor.
● Reconciliation
Following an abusive incident, the relationship may enter a reconciliation phase. After the abuse, the abuser may apologize, express regret, or make promises of change. This phase can create confusion for the survivor and often gives the survivor hope that things will change.
● The “Honeymoon Phase”
After reconciliation, the relationship may seem stable and calm, maybe even better than it was before. The abuser may show greater amounts of affection, make special gestures, or promise that the abuse will never happen again. Positive aspects of the relationship may return, which can bring relief and increase the survivor's hope. This stage can be extremely confusing for survivors because the loving moments can still feel real and genuine. This can leave survivors questioning their reality or minimizing the seriousness of the abuse.
WHY IT CAN BE DIFFICULT TO LEAVE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
We may wonder why someone experiencing domestic violence doesn’t just leave the relationship. The reality is that leaving an abusive relationship can be complicated, and sometimes the most dangerous point of the relationship for a survivor. There are many factors that may contribute to a survivor not leaving the relationship, such as financial barriers, fear of retaliation, limited access to housing, worries about losing important relationships, or concerns about children or pets.
Survivors can also experience shame, self-doubt, and diminished confidence. This can make it difficult to imagine a life outside of the relationship, or feel as if they are not capable of leaving. It is important to approach survivors of domestic violence with compassion, and not judgment. Instead of asking “Why don't/didn't you leave?” start asking “What support is missing, and how can I fill those gaps?” Individuals experiencing domestic violence deserve safety, support, and compassion no matter where they are in their journey.
HOW THERAPY CAN HELP
Experiencing domestic violence can have lasting effects on survivors. Therapy offers a safe, supportive, and nonjudgmental space to process these experiences and emotions, helping you reconnect with yourself and your needs. In therapy, you can work through trauma and the emotional impact of abuse at a pace that feels comfortable for you.
It can also help you process feelings of fear, guilt, shame, or anxiety. Therapy provides guidance as you explore what healthy boundaries look like and develop effective coping strategies. Over time, it can help you rebuild your self-esteem, confidence, and sense of autonomy.
RESOURCES
Domestic Violence Awareness Month creates an opportunity for us to start conversations, challenge the stigma around abuse, and remind survivors that they deserve relationships that are safe.
Whether you are experiencing domestic violence or healing from past experiences, support is available. You deserve to feel safe, supported, and heard.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also text START to 88788 or visit thehotline.org to explore support and safety resources.
You do not have to navigate this alone. Healing and support are possible, and reaching out for help can be a meaningful first step.